BETAMAXNOMATES

Hello. It's been quite a while since I updated this thing so I thought I'd 'fill you in', bring you 'up to speed', give you 'the 411' (no idea what that one means) on all things me and me-related. I'm still here - here being Tokyo - and this is good news. Things were looking a bit 'hairy' there for a bit: due to an unfortunate series of events, I - quite remarkably - managed to lose not one, but two jobs in the space of a single weekend, consequently finding myself unemployed for almost a month, teetering perilously on the brink of poverty, and quite seriously considering 'jacking the whole thing in'. Happily, things have resolved themselves rather nicely in the past three weeks and I currently find myself gainfully employed as an elementary school teacher (American for 'primary school') in a snooty private school for diplomat's kids and six year old girls who complain about their mothers having to take 'the Benz' this morning because the Porsche was 'in the shop' (This is not actually a lie). It's good fun and I like my students, though they still have a bit to learn about the whole student-teacher dynamic. 'You're so lazy', they whine. 'All you do is boss us around and then sit there doing nothing!' Ha! Kids! This is largely true though. Since I have no formal training in teaching per se (and by per se, I mean at all. None. Whatsoever) I have to rely on any techniques or tricks I may have learned from my own teachers. Mostly though this just involves me strutting around in a tweed jacket, jabbing my finger in the air, and tossing out phrases like 'knuckle down', 'buck up your ideas', 'pull up your socks' (often interpreted hilariously literally) and so forth. 'I'll come down on you like a tonne of bricks' - that's a good one. 'I'll have your guts for garters' - there's another. What the hell does that even mean anyway? What are garters? For some reason I seem to think they're some kind of clothing or clothing accessory, though it's proximity to the word 'garment' may be throwing me. Are they like britches or braces or something? I could look it up, I suppose, but I'm just too... well, y'know.
I'm not really that lazy though; I've just never been able to master that odd skill of 'looking busy'. Some people have it down to a fine art - indeed, many have managed to forge entire careers predicated solely on their ability to always appear occupied with Something Terribly Important. It's usually fairly apparent when I'm doing fuck all, which is, admittedly, most of the time. Still, I think that, on balance, the kids rather like me. I am adorable after all. Like a giant cuddly teddy bear. Although a teddy bear doesn't quite accurately reflect my physicality - I'm more like a Stretch Armstrong that hasn't shrunk back to its original shape. Vaguely horrifying, in other words, and not in the least bit cuddly. Or adorable actually. I'm not really sure what I was going with that. One of the Japanese kids has nicknamed me 'Two Metre', which works both as term of endearment, a handy statement of anatomical fact, and an easily pronouncable alternative to my actual name which unfortunately contains the letters 'l', 'r', and an 'f' sound, none of which particularly lend themselves to the Japanese tongue. I've also considered legally changing my name to 'Basketball' just to speed up the whole introduction process. And if anyone asks, yes, I am the tallest man in Ireland and I have a letter framed in gold from the president (Bono) attesting to that fact.

Hey, I've just discovered that when I type the phrase 'love hotel' into my phone it immediately converts it to a small picture of a hotel with a red love heart inside, an illustration that - I would have thought - surely misses the point. In case you're not familiar, a love hotel is basically a small hotel where you rent a room (or 'fuckbox', as I like to call them) for a couple of hours purely for the purposes of intimate congress. Typical exchange thusly: 'Hey, this party sucks. Wanna go get a fuckbox?' 'Erm, no thanks' etc.) For some reason it reminds me of the signs on the train denoting the 'priority seats' for the elderly and disabled, where pregnant women are represented with a large love heart growing inside their bellies. Since I don't watch TV (just downloaded episodes of Dexter, Pushing Daisies, and the American version of The Office - which is brilliant, by the way, in case you haven't seen it), my only experience of Japanese broadcast media is on trains and in the occasional bar. The ads are always entertaining, being, as they are, either completely incomprehensible (like this one - my current favourite - for Daijob, a recruitment agency) or of the laughably transparent buy-this-shit-and-you-will-have-sex-with-this-woman variety (pretty much everything else, especially this recent McDonalds campaign for this fucking disgusting shrimp burger thing). In conclusion, stay clear of pregnant women (they attract bears), excitable cowboys, and burgers containing seafood. Also, women that are 'on the rag' during the month of October are likely to be werewolves and are thus best avoided. I saw this in a movie once and believe it to be true.

Oh hey, before I go, did anyone hear about this album by Radiohead that was released this month? I can officially report that it is 'quite good'. I might go as far to say that it's very good indeed, even brilliant in parts - the 'lights gone out' section of 'Bodysnatchers' is enough to reaffirm your belief in Radiohead as a 'rock band' and, indeed, the whole idea of a 'rock band' itself as something meaningful, worthwhile, and, above all, Important. I fell out of love with Radiohead badly after the disappointment of Hail To The Thief and Thom's dreary solo album but this album has, in many ways, won me back. It's not perfect: 'House Of Cards' is forgettable, and 'Nude' - despite its almost mythic status - has always struck me as a distinctly average tune. Still, 'All I Need', '15 Step', 'Arpeggi' and especially 'The Reckoner' are probably some of the best songs they've ever recorded. And that bit in 'Bodysnatchers' really is amazing. This is all getting a bit music-journo-ey so I'll stop here. I hadn't intended to write much about this album but I really have been listening to it a lot - pretty much of all of last week. Actually on three separate occasions last week someone on the train asked me to lower the volume of my iPod as I was listening to In Rainbows. One does struggle to keep one's patience with the gooks sometimes and all their silly rules, but in this instance I have to concede that I was guilty of not only listening too loud but also singing along at several points. It really is a very good album. Steal it today if you have not already done so.
Finally, I should mention that - due to tax reasons - I shall be returning to Ireland for a short while this Christmas. While it's purely a formality - crossing a few 'i's here, dotting some 't's there - I am looking forward to going back to the 'ould sod', downing a 'pint of the black stuff', and engaging in all manner of stereotypic and culturally inauthentic behaviours. It's also a good chance to introduce everyone to my new wife. Yes, I got married. Funny story. Well, not so much funny as it is deeply troubling. I'll tell you about it another time. Suffice to say, we're staying together No Matter What People Say. Slán go foill!

UPDATE:
My wife sadly passed away earlier this evening. She died after a chopstick inexplicably became lodged in her nasal cavity, piercing her brain. I'd like to say she died instantly but it took me almost an hour to finish her off in the bath. Obviously, I'd appreciate that you respect my privacy during this difficult time.