BETAMAXNOMATES

'All she can do is dial and yell...'

20041230

 

Astonishing Panorama of the End-Times

Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you.
Jesus, some of the shit they’re showing on Sky News is a bit graphic, isn’t it? Nobody wants to see water-logged corpses when they’re having their tea. All that crying and everything. And the so-called ‘interviews’ with the survivors are even worse:

JEREMY THOMPSON: I’m here live in Phuket speaking with one woman whose family has experienced immeasurable tragedy over the past three days. Minutes ago, the bodies of her husband of thirty years and five of their seven children were recovered from the ruins of what remains of the village here. This, I understand, is a very difficult time for you and we appreciate you taking the time to speak with us this quarter hour.

BEREAVED VILLAGEWOMAN: I...

JEREMY THOMPSON: Tragic. You must be absolutely devastated.

BEREAVED VILLAGEWOMAN: I...

JEREMY THOMPSON: [to camera] ‘Absolutely devastated’. The words of one woman here in Phuket, articulating, I’m sure, the thoughts of everyone watching this tragedy as it unfolds, live here on Sky News...

Gah. Global tragedy always brings out the worst in TV.
All the 24hr news stations go into overdrive, wheeling out every available ‘expert’, whipping up a smorgasbord of virtual simulations/recreations with snazzy graphics and sonorous theme-tunes as well as irrelevant interviews with anyone and everyone who was even remotely associated with the event in question. Tell us Moby, is terrorism good or bad? What do you have to say to the people of South East Asia, Pete Doherty? Jimmy Carr, where does this one rank on the charts of TV treats?

I'm bitter because no-one’s asked me for my take on the tragedy yet; perhaps I’ve somewhat misoverestimated my significance in the broadband of cultural commentary.
But anonymous bloggers matter too, dammit! Y’see, if I was to have been killed by some massive wave or something I think I’d like my death to be as publicised as possible.
Maybe I could fashion some kind of medic-alert bracelet I could wear that would license my corpse to be used in any and all subsequent news broadcasts or charity appeals. Exploit my demise! Forget my family’s right to grieve in private: I want my deathmask on every front page, every spare-a-thought TV promo piece, every donate-now-or-may-liberal-guilt-choke-you charity flyer!

Way I see it is mass tragedy needs a human face, and we all know that posthumous celebrity has the greatest longevity. And anyone could fill this role really: it’s personal, yet somehow anonymous at the same time, which makes the selection process entirely democratic. All the victims are automatically entered into competition; there could be regional heats, the bereaved families could nominate their lost child(ren) to go forward into the international final where the voting public elect their Death Idol to be made the media's face of the Asian Flood Disaster.
Simon Cowell presumably signs the runner-up as well, to front minor rail crashes and endorse other smaller-scale human tragedies.

Speaking of tragedies that are looking a bit pisspoor next to Sunday’s floods, this Saturday I’m off to see the Western world’s wounded metropolis, the Big Apple, New New York, double-NYC, Lyle Lanley 'verse city rappin', from Boogie all the way down ta Staten'. Word!
Of course, 9/11 was a very serious tragedy, but don’t just take it from me: read what these ‘experts’ have to say on the matter. I’m not too worried about terrorism though; that some left-wing extremists might force me to have an abortion and marry a gay guy is only a minor concern. Top of my agenda now is the threat we face from Mother Nature.
I certainly hope I don’t get any of those giant tidal waves that hit New York in that documentary I saw.


No Hell, or indeed high water, is gonna stop me splurging like a working-class lottery winner in the Big Smoke.

And before you get all self-righteous and finger-pointy with me, you should know that I already made a donation to the South East Asia Appeal: this morning I gave them some old Sexwax, a pair of rollerblades, and half a Toblerone I had left over from The Christmas*. Now I can spend as much as I want on myself, guilt-free, like a moderately successful rapper living beyond his means. Look out New York, MC Anonymous is pimpin’ it like Fabolous or one of the dudes in the background of Fat Joe videos. Word!

* ‘Christmas’ is a registered trademark of Hallmark Family Entertainment, a subsidiary of Hallmark Cards, and is used with permission.

Of course, this is all presuming I make it to the airport alive.
I was hit with the flu on Christmas Day - the gift that keeps on giving - and have been mainlining the Lemsip ever since. I’ve also developed a new technique I call ‘freebase Lemsip’, which you may want to try at home if you’re suffering with cold or flu. Basically, you crack open a couple of the Max Strength capsules and gently burn the powder inside, trying to inhale, via an empty plastic bottle with the bottom cut off, as much of the resultant gas as possible.
Don’t worry if you accidentally snort some of the flaming nodules; so long as you remember to wedge a slice of lemon between your teeth to bite down on you won’t pass out. For extra effect, try rubbing some Benylin syrup on your gums too, or keep some of that Vicks vapour stuff close to hand to rub on your face after the initial hit.

There, free, 100% FDA approved, medical advice on Day Month Year; don’t say I never give you nothing. And here, apropos of nothing, are some nice pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal:

Hmm. Jake really should do more nature programs like that tidal wave one. He's so talented - maybe something for Discovery where he spends the show naked and covered in horse ejaculate. See, I have loads of ideas! Someone in TV give me a budget and I guarantee I’ll give you a hit!

Anyway, Happy New(s) Year to you, frockbonkers.
Celebrate irresponsibly and without a thought for anyone outside of yourself. Special shouts go to Adrian, Neuro and Zoomtard and some others who had a party last night without me (imagine!) since I was busy at work.
I say busy, actually most of my time was spent playing video games, not something I usually have much interest in. However, last night, and the past few nights my job has involved playing this, and this, both of which are gratuitously violent and morally indefensible (the latter, in particular, is quite breathtakingly racist in tone) but also, I have to say, some of the best fun I’ve had in ages.

Also, one’s of you have been complaining about some of the content of this site being unavailable. This is because of these stingy cunts and their poxy 10MB bandwidth trap. This will, I promise, be rectified in time.
Come ‘05, this site is getting a major overhaul - getting ‘pimped’, if you will (TM X to the Z) - pimped truly in the MTV sense, meaning given a suitably blingin’ makeover, rather than in the Reality sense i.e. being forced to turn tricks for drug money under threat of (often sexual) violence and intimidation.
Ho ho, not that! Pimps, TV tells us, are dapper, streetwise dandies and their ‘bitches’ are, in fact, sass-talkin’, strong-willed career women (often with Hearts of Gold), striking a blow for 21st century post-feminists everywhere.

Have I reached the magic 1000 word limit yet? Yes I have, which officially makes this blog a ‘journal’, I believe. Astonishing panorama of the end-times indeed.

Violence for the people,
They always eat the hand that bleeds.
Violence for the people,
Give the kids what they need.
Kill your God,
Kill your TV.

Yes, I am 14.


Comments:
On TV3 news last night, the one who has become famous for the stark blonde hair said that "Scientists have reported that earthquakes come in pairs. They expect another devastating earthquake to hit the coast of Sri Lanka within ten years."

Wow. Those are the guys behind The Day After Tomorrow. I am a "scientist", I have the scroll to prove it, and I confidently predict that some of the people who have survived may suffer illness but then get better only to die in a car accident within the next ten years.

Freebase Lemsip! I love you, you anonymous genius.

-Zoomy
 
TONIGHT I GO YOU HOUSE AND POKE YOU WI STICK

.
 
Best entry ever. Good luck with your new life in the Big Apple. I'm having a wake in your honour tonight at 8pm. All welcome, bring drink, pizza, etc.
 
People of the year, every one of you.
 
Hi Friend! You have a great blog over here!
Please accept my compliments and wishes for your happiness and success!
If you have a moment, please take a look at my x box to computer monitor site.
Have a great day!
 
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