BETAMAXNOMATES

Oh, and happy (belated) Valentine's Day, everybody!

Love is nice.

Time for an update, I reckon. I realise it's February and everything but happy new year everyone. And look how far we've come. *takes stock* This blog, for instance, has been 'on the go' (in one form or another) for three years now. I mean, it's not as good as it used to be, of course. But it's still here and that has to (presumably) count for something. Not a whole lot has changed though really. I'm not any taller (not even a little bit). I'm not a baller. I don't have a girl that looks good - but if I did I would call her. That was a rather convoluted interpolation of the chorus from Skee-Lo's 'I Wish', which is playing on iTunes as I type this. As I type these letters. These letters that you're reading. Right now. In real time. (It sounded cleverer in my head). *stock taking finished, goes to watch last ten minutes of Date My Slag Of A Mum* Blonde mother wins, as usual. It's like bloody Nuremberg all over again.
Anyway, enough about that. My brand spanking new Apple iBookPowerMac Pro (Extreme) thingy arrived this week. Hurrah! I've not really figured out how to work it yet but it is certainly nice to look at. I brought it with me to Starbucks today, simply so I could sit with my half-fat frappuccino, peering at the screen over my pretentious art-school glasses while all around me bathed in the reflected glory of my incandescent cool and the lighty-uppy apple that comes on at the back. You may scoff at me now but I sleep well knowing that I'm not just another money-greedy finger-puppet of 'The Man'. I'm thinking different(ly). Because I'm an 'individual', and I'm into 'fun stuff' like movies, music, podcasts and the like, not bloody spreadsheets, databases and pie-charts. Durr, PC's are for saddos! Just you wait and see how much fun I'm going to be having. It's now my appointed duty to badmouth at Microsoft at every opportunity. Boo, evil corporation! Making money! Stepping on the little guy. Boo-urns! Not like Apple, of course, which is more like a pastoral cottage industry presided over by a humble and benevolent leader, and where every member of the extended Apple family is special and where nothing ever goes wrong.

Time for some padding. Here's some brief and somewhat less than informative movie reviews:

Notes On A Scandal
This is good. Go see this. It has good actors (Judi Dench, Cate Blanchett) and a good story based on a good book that I read a few years ago. Which is good. On the downside, it does have a score composed by Phillip Glass. Which is absolutely fucking awful and almost ruins the whole fucking film but doesn't quite because the rest of it is so good, thanks be to Christ.

The Last King Of Scotland
This has some very good acting in it. Rest of film=a bit ropey.

Dreamgirls
Pictorial review.

Hot Fuzz
This isn't out yet, but I expect it'll be quite good. Three and a half thumbs up.

A Scanner Darkly
This is out on DVD, or 'video' as we used to say. Looks great but is, regrettably, rubbish.

So there you go. That should save you some time. Feel free to take my opinions and express them as your own, should you feel the need. Music now, and this is something I know you're going to like. Someone who's been away for a bit but is back and - do I dare say it, do I dare mouth that hideous cliché - even better than ever! Can you guess who it is yet? I'll give you a clue. It's a woman (sort of). And she's not your average, run-of-the-mill, cookie-cutter, assembly-line, manufactured pop moppet. She's an individual (y'know, like me). Have you got it yet? No? I'll tell you: it's Joss Stone! Joss Stone is back! And she's got a new song. Hurrah! Here's the video.



Wasn't that great? Isn't her new image daring? How much loving does she need? Look at her giggling with the coloured man at the start. And has she done something to her hair? Why is she all wet? Never mind that she's about as convincingly sexy as a piece of MDF. Or that her Black & Decker power sander vocal and the flatpack ETA rhythm track (which sounds like a lame big-beat remake of 'Groove Is In The Heart') sound like they're designed primarily to serve as background music in a B&Q ad - the soundtrack to a Sunday pilgrimage to the temple of home improvement. I've written about Joss Stone before - however tangentially. On balance, there's few celebrities I actively hate (most I just vaguely dislike or am indifferent to) but I really fucking hate Joss Stone. I'm not even sure why exactly: I've only heard a few of her songs, seen her interviewed maybe twice - relatively speaking, my exposure to her has been pretty minimal, compared to, say, someone like Lily Allen (who is everywhere, and who I also hate). Maybe it's Joss Stone's face. She is alarmingly chipmunk-like. Or her voice, which has all the soul of a rawlplug. It's woeful, godawful crap, her music, and it's made even worse by the fact that - like Allen's album - it's packaged as being a genuine alternative to commercial mass-produced pop trash. Girls Aloud have infinitely more integrity than Joss Stone (who also, incidentally, got her big break from a tacky talent show). And just in case you're in some doubt as to just how much of an obnoxious no-talent assclown she is, here's a clip of her presenting an award to some Coldplay-looking guy I've never heard of from an awards show I thought'd been scrapped years ago.



Finally, Nine Inch Nails have a new album coming out soon. Hurrah! It is, however, being described as a 'concept' album, which means it may well be a load of old toss. Still, they have actually put a fair amount of thought/money into developing the whole 'concept' thing, as this series of viral websites attests. I'm unashamedly excited by/about this, something that proves (a) that I'm a sucker for marketing (as if that wasn't already abundantly clear) and (b) despite all outward appearances of maturity and/or normalcy I'm basically still a fourteen-year old geek who hates his parents. *goes to watch 'Groove Is In The Heart' video again. Asks, of no one in particular: 'Is this the greatest song of all time?' Rings Samaritans (speed dial '2'). Asks them*

Oh dear. My laptop is broken. My keyboard is broken. And now my phone is broken. Technologically speaking, my life is falling apart. Actually most areas of my life seem in a state of disrepair, but that's not 'for here'.
Anyway, this has been posted on a number of blogs already but I'll stick it here for anyone who hasn't seen it yet. It's Italian ice skater Valentina Marchei dancing to 'Pull Shapes' by The Pipettes.



Amazing, if only for the fact that anything performed on ice (skating, hockey, walking without falling over) is immediatly impressive to me. I went ice skating once and it was possibly the most terrifying experience of my life. I just sort of assumed I naturally knew how to skate but - apparantly - I don't. So I spent the afternoon falling over mostly, often in front of children (who can, somehow, skate with preternatural grace). Still, an amazing video. Also, 'dance with me, pretty boy, tonight'. Is there a better opening line in the history of song? Is there? Well, yes. Of course there is. I could name a dozen (seven of which were written by Morrissey) but as opening lines go, it is certainly 'up there'.
Here's some Mitchell and Webb...



... something from Adam Buxton...



... and an old Big Train sketch (narrated by Chris Morris). This is quite possibly THE FUNNIEST VIDEO OF ALL TIME!!!!!!111ONE!!!ELEVEN!!1 *



* Not really. But very good all the same.